Murdered By My Boyfriend

I have just finished watching ‘Murdered by my boyfriend’ which was shown on BB3 tonight and I have to say it really hit a nerve. I am at a loss on what to say about it really. It has to be, hands down, one of the hardest hitting things I have ever seen.

It starts off with you meeting the main character Ashley, a party going, young and beautiful 17 year old girl. She is part time in college and part time working in clothing shop. We see her meet her soon to be boyfriend Reece and I’m not going to lie, I was jealous of her. Reece seemed like the most perfect boyfriend, calling her beautiful, impressing all her friends even promising her to fully support her when she unexpectedly falls pregnant just 3 months into the relationship. But as the title suggests this all changes. He soon turns violent with her, isolating her from her friends and being controlling. A few scenes are shown where he is physically abusive to her and I must admit, it’s scary and extremely hard to watch. The actress playing Ashley does an amazing job and really shows all the different emotions that are felt in a relationship like this. 

I don’t know whether it was hard to watch because of the violence or because of the awful feeling at the back of mind that I am lucky that wasn’t me. The final scene shows Reece repeatedly hitting, kicking and stamping on his girlfriend and eventually beating her with an ironing board. After doing some further reading I found out that, Miss Brittle, which was the real name of the woman involved, died in hospital from 27 injuries to her head, including her jaw fractured on both side. Her partner whose real name was Sanchez Williams, then sat next to her body for two hours while she lay unconscious. It was only after this when she taken into hospital did she die. Who knows if he would have rang the ambulance earlier maybe she would have lived. 

What really hit me about this final scene is as it was being shown it cut to a shot of Ashley’s eyes with slow motion feathers and a very quiet background. The peace and tranquillity of this shot almost showed thee relief that in some ways she must of felt. After the years of fear and pain, in some ways she was finally free. Although I can only imagine how brutal, painful and scary this must have been for her I take some comfort knowing that Mr Williams was sentenced to life in prison. Not only that but this programme has been trending on twitter, meaning it can act as a warning to many people weather it helps friends recognise the signs of domestic violence, or gives victims the push they need to speak out.

My thoughts go out to Miss Brittle’s friends and family and remember you are not alone. 

Speak up, there is a way, there is help. 

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2050414/Casey-Brittle-beaten-death-violent-partner-Sanchez-Williams.html

http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b047zl98/murdered-by-my-boyfriend

http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/

Justice

Justice is a funny thing. It means many different things to different to different people. For me it wasn't something i had really considered properly until this week.

In December 2013 i finally got the courage to end a violent relationship. This was possibly one of the hardest things i will ever to do and for me ending it meant i could finally seek my own justice. I went to my local police station with a close friend and told my story to an officer. I was given the option of filing for a restraining order or pressing charges and making a statement. This was a very difficult choice to make as at the time i still cared a lot for my partner but knew what had been going on was wrong. I went home and talked to many of my close friends and family and finally made the decision that i did want justice. What had happened to me was wrong and i needed to do something about it. Not just for me but for future partners that my ex boyfriend would have. I decided that by pressing charges i would give them a chance of escaping what i had been through.

This is where my long and emotional journey to get justice started. I returned to police station and sat for 3 hours while i wrote out our entire relationship in 3 statements and around 30 pages. In it i had to give specific details of all the abuse, both emotional and physical , that i had endured for the past year. Following this my ex was arrested and charged with just 3 counts of Common assault and one charge of criminal damage. This is the first point where i felt i hadn't got justice for what had happened to me. The abuse had lasted a year and in this time i believe i was assaulted well above 50 times. However the police can only charge people with things they believe that they can prove 100% happened. Despite this set back i agreed to giving evidence in court and our date was set for 5 months time. This wait was extremely long and difficult. The way that i kept describing it to people was waiting for a divorce to be filed. To be single but to still have that thread attaching you, not allowing you to move on. 

The date finally came and i arrived at court with 4 other witnesses on my side, 40 pages of text messages and one photo submitted to evidence. Everyone told me that there was no way i would be made to give evidence. That in 95% of all cases that go to court for domestic violence the witnesses are never made to give evidence. Its something that doesn't happen as the punishment for the defendant if they make the victim go to court are always worse. That in my case there was no way he would get away with it and he would be stupid to even let it get that far. He was advised against letting it go to trial and it would be over within half an hour of getting to court. This wasn't the case, i was made to stand up in court and tell my story for over two hours. The most awful questions were asked and i was made out to be liar. But i did it, i came out crying and shaking but i had done it. I told my story and did my part to get my justice. The rest of the witnesses gave their evidence also and we all celebrated, we had done it. 

We waited for a further two weeks for our verdict and when it came back it was devastating. Not Guilty. He had gotten away with it. As no one had actually seen him hit me they couldn't prove that it had happened. The case that i was told couldn't be lost, had been lost along with my justice. I now sit here with a four year restraining order and somehow i feel no justice at all. I feel completely let down by our system. 

After giving my evidence in court i would of told anyone in my position to go to the police and to make a stand. The police were amazingly helpful, as were victim support, witness support and Harbor (the domestic violence team) so what went wrong? I didn't get my justice and now i have to try and move on and deal with it best i can, knowing i wasn't believed by the courts and in this case the law favors the criminal. Would i have got justice if i had allowed my friends and family to sort it themselves, to not go to the police. Would it have been easier on me if i had just agreed to restraining order to start with, not put myself through all that, not made a stand?

What justice?  

Taboo

Domestic Violence is one of them uncomfortable subjects that no on really wants to talk about, it awkward and people aren't sure what is okay to say and what isn't. But that's not how it should be just as things are changing with mental health, things need to change with domestic violence. I myself have been a victim of domestic violence and this post is my opportunity to say what i want to say about it without the awkwardness or judgment from others.

Before my experience when i thought of domestic violence i always pictured it being couples who were married, older, with children and a mortgage. I thought of it as being drunken old men beating their wife and she being unable to leave due the children and money. But this couldn't be further from the truth, it happens to people of all ages, social backgrounds and cultures. Its also not just physical abuse, it can be emotional abuse as well which in many cases can be just as, or even more damaging. 

For me i was just 17 when the relationship started, it started like any other relationship, he was the perfect boyfriend. He made me happy and i quickly started falling in love with him. I personally think that's one of the things that hurts the most about relationships like this. It's much easier to accept that a random stranger could hurt you, someone that doesn't know you, but for someone who you put all your trust in, someone that sees you at your must vulnerable, someone is  supposed to love you, that's much harder to accept. When hearing about a relationship which has violence in it a lot of people say 'just leave' especially when you are so young and have no commitments such as a house or children, but its not that easy. You love them, you want them to change, you want them to love you. 

Although physical abuse is awful and something that i wouldn't wish upon anyone, bones, bruises and cuts all heal. Emotional abuse is something that takes years and years to recover from, and in some cases i believe it never does really heal. For me i think that its going to take me a long, long time to ever be in a relationship again and allow myself to trust someone that much. It knocks your confidence more than you could ever imagine. Happy bubbly, social people turn into shy and reclusive shadows of what they used to be. Comments that would usually be taken as a joke have a massive impact on peoples confidence, after been told by a partner for however long that you are worthless and an embarrassment hearing it even as a light hearted joke by a friend can cause so much pain.  

In future posts as i grow with confidence i would like to talk about my experience in a violent relationship, how to deal with this, the warning signs, my experience with the police and the justice system but most importantly share the journey of me rebuilding my life with you.

http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/

http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/